cat humor

Cat Meeting at 5am

My definition of a perfect morning is sipping a cup of coffee and watching the sun rise over the ocean. Since I don’t live at the beach and experience this as my usual morning let’s just say I am not a morning person. So it is no wonder I see my cats’ attempts to get fed breakfast as a master plan.

Here is how I think it goes: 5am the cats meet to create a plan. They have given each other code names: Ancient; Tiny (20+ pounds); Bags (fear of bags); and Miss Fluff. 

Tiny: Ok, we are in some kind of school break, the humans will sleep late. How do we get fed breakfast on time? Ideas?

Ancient: What? Don’t you know that ceiling fan is going to get us? I thought we were planning to break the fan.

Bags: Ancient, we will stop it. Your blanket is on the white chair, go on and lay down. (Ancient leaves) Really, who brought him?

Miss Fluff: He can be a distraction. The humans really react to his cold wet nose.

Tiny: OK we’ll see. I think the woman should be our target. The boys just push me away and go back to sleep. The girl thinks I want to cuddle. I want food!

Bags: Did you try taking over the pillows? Step on their faces? Lick their hair? Purr In their ears? Knead their necks? Tickle them by going under the covers? Attack their feet?

Tiny: Of course! Don’t insult me! How do we get the woman moving?

Bags: It can’t involve bags! I will not go there again!

Tiny: Fine, no bags, chill.

Bags: Easy for you, you weren’t stuck with a bag riding you. I ran over all their faces 3 times before the woman made the bag stop. Bags are evil!

Tiny: (Heavy sigh.) Miss Fluff, it is up to you. I will send the others in as needed, but use all of your cuteness skills to wake up the woman. Then keep her moving. Don’t let her get distracted.

Miss Fluff: I can wake her easy and keep her awake petting me. That phone is a problem. What can I do about the phone?

Tiny: Just keep her from the phone.

Miss Fluff: How?!?!

Bags: Use a bag. Bags are evil.

Tiny: (Eye roll.) Get it on the floor and under the bed.

Ancient: (Yelling from white chair.) Is the ceiling fan stopped yet?

Miss Fluff: Very well. But there is a price.

Tiny: Price?!? This will get us breakfast!

Miss Fluff: Hey, my bowl closes. I have some food left. Maybe if you had some self control. . .

Tiny: HEY!

Miss Fluff: Bye, I need to chase my tail.

Tiny: Wait! What is the price?

Miss Fluff: The water in that other sink is MINE. Leave it.

Bags: I hear a bag, run!

Tiny: No way. (Pause.) Fine. At 6, wake the woman. If you run into a problem you have to get Ancient or Bags yourself. If you don’t deliver, the deal is off!

Ancient: (Yelling) Get that ceiling fan!

At 6 Miss Fluff jumps on the bed, walks all over me, sits near my face, stares at me, and purrs. I roll over and go back to sleep. At 7:30 Bags jumps up, walks around the bed, and starts to tunnel under the covers. Or is he trying to push the covers off of me? I am up. Miss Fluff sticks close as I get dressed. When I paused to gather a pair of socks, she jumped onto the rollator seat in a way that tips the seat sending my phone to the floor and under the bed. I kept moving to the kitchen and the cats were fed breakfast. Will Tiny leave the sink water alone?

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